From dream to reality: a different road to becoming a parent

The journey to have children can be a rollercoaster ride of emotions for any parent-to-be. For Callum Bryan-Mathieson, Sydney Team Lead for Landscape Architecture & Urban Design and his partner Clinton, their journey began with plenty of excitement and energy. Now they have a family of five after welcoming three children (now 3, 5 and 7), each via altruistic surrogacy and egg donation. Below, Callum shares some insights on his experiences of becoming a parent.

Where did it all begin?

We wanted to be parents over and above delivering our own biological children. So, to us, it didn’t matter if we had children that were biologically mine or biologically Clinton’s, or a combination of both. Our motivation was always to be parents and it didn’t matter what that looked like. For us, DNA is irrelevant when it comes to being a parent, especially when you hold your child in your arms. They are your child, and you are their world. Knowing this, we decided to explore what our options were.

What kind of support did you have along the way?

We had the incredible support of parents, siblings and extended family throughout the journey. Having been very open about our desire to create a family, I’m so grateful we were met with nothing but love and support. We leaned into this support, because not every attempt was successful. We had two egg collections from our very generous donor, but only five A-Grade embryos that were suitable for transfer to our surrogate. Two of the transfers resulted in pregnancy, but then sadly failed a few weeks later. These failures were devastating, but we remained optimistic and continued with the three embryos we had left. Thankfully these embryos resulted in Zara, born 2014, Aiden, born 2016 and Charlotte, born 2018. Clinton’s sister very generously offered to be the surrogate for all three of our children, which allowed us to be even closer to the pregnancy part of becoming parents.

What was unique about your journey to have children as a same-sex couple?

Along with the complexity of finding both an egg donor and a surrogate, our journey involved rigorous counselling and legal processes. Our first obstacle was finding an egg donor. There’s an online community called Egg Donors Australia, which we used to share our story. You can’t simply join these communities and ask someone to be your donor. You need to share your story, get to know the members, then hope someone resonates with your story and offers to be your donor.

Once we had a donor and surrogate in place, we then had to undergo counselling. This was a requirement of our IVF clinic to satisfy their ethics committee and to support our Parentage Order. The Parentage Order is essentially the legal process we went through to become the legal parents of our children. The interesting thing about this is even though our children were born in Victoria, they now have NSW birth certificates, as this is where we completed all IVF and legal proceedings.

Despite the challenges, we embarked on the journey with positive energy. A lot of heterosexual couples who turn to IVF often do so as a last resort. This, of course, can be a heartbreaking journey and sadly doesn’t always result in a baby. For same-sex couples looking to become parents, IVF is usually where you start your journey, so it begins with a mix of excitement and trepidation.

What does work and home life look like now that you have three beautiful kids?

Busy, but it’s more like well-organised chaos. Our girls know the basic daily routine which allows us to have some level of structure to the day. With school and daycare back in full swing, working from home is great and, in some instances, preferred. While there is no substitute for face-to-face office interactions, what I have learned is how productive I can be at home.

What is something profound your kids have taught you or said to you?

Without a doubt, reflecting your own parenting back to you. Without warning, they will relay information back to you in a manner that they have received. It can be quite confronting when you hear your own parenting relayed back to you. You are constantly editing and adjusting yourself, but also trying to individualise your approach with each child while aiming to maintain consistency. Our kids are constantly teaching and showing us who they are. That’s the most challenging and exciting part of parenting.

What are some key things you’ve learned throughout this journey?

The art of patience. Just when you think you’ve mastered it, you’re put into a situation that forces you to revisit how patient you are and need to be. This is both the case at home and at work. We all have room to be more patient and accepting.

What I learned about my partner is how much we balance each other. What he might struggle with, I might find easy, and areas I need to work on, he has experience with. It’s a humbling feeling to have your partner make you want to be your best self but also a proud moment knowing they are always there for you.

What I’ve also learned is that I have another family, the GHD family. They couldn’t be more supportive with regards to working parents, providing an inclusive environment, a flexible parental leave policy and living the values of teamwork.

What advice would you give to other people looking to start a family in a similar way to you and Clinton?

The best advice I can give is do your homework before you get started. Compare clinics to ensure they cater to your exact needs and talk to a few lawyers before choosing one. You’ll be spending a lot of time with these people, so you want to make sure you have the best team on your side.

About GHD

GHD is a leading professional services company operating in the global markets of water, energy and resources, environment, property and buildings, and transportation. Committed to a vision to make water, energy, and communities sustainable for generations to come, GHD delivers advisory, digital, engineering, architecture, environmental and construction solutions to public and private sector clients. Established in 1928 and privately owned by its people, GHD’s network of 12,000+ professionals is connected across 160 offices located on five continents.